Monday, February 28

0 A Love letter for the dead

Hi ( his name here ),

It's been a while. I never imagined I'd be writing you this letter. i just had to. at least to give me peace. everyone needs peace, i know you do too. I remember the first time we met. i always thought you were cute. but i never thought we'd be together. I flirted with you, and you flirted back. that was the start. we exchanged numbers. a few messages. shallow ones. sweet flirty messages. sometimes sexy ones. you were such a tease and you never fail to tempt me. we see each other almost everyday, i make sure of that. I'll always pass by at your classroom. just seeing you makes my day. soon, i realized I'm head over heels in love with you. but i had to hold back first. i need to make sure you feel the same. day after day, everything went smoothly between us. i would end the night talking to you, and i would wake up with a message waiting to be read. i would spend my day as if I'm in the heavens all thanks to you. i remember when you use to wait for me even if your class ends 4 hours earlier. On Saturdays you would even go to my class earlier than i do, and would wait  for me just to say hi. i remember when you would bring me food whenever i stay late for practices. you would even wait for me just so we can walk together. you never asked for any expensive things. but you would always give me little trinkets i never imagined receiving. i would never forget when you introduced me to your friends. they did not like me at first but you never left me. you would even flake on your gimmicks just so we can spend time together even if i don't ask you to. but the best part is when you introduced me to your mom. we were holding hands and we can both feel each others nerves. we both relaxed when she smiled at us. it was perfect. even your mom knows i don't eat fish, and it's because you would talk about me everyday, that's what she said. remember the time when we studied together? you weren't able to solve a single problem because you were too busy doodling our names at the back of your notebook. i remember when you would never stop asking me to record a song on your phone, you said i have the sweetest voice. do you remember our first kiss? you asked for it, you begged for it.. in front of a lot of people. you said you wanted to prove that you love me for real. you would always hold my hand for hours, and if it becomes sweaty, you won't mind and you would hold it tighter. i never felt so wanted before. i remembered the first time we did it. it was hard for both of us, it was awkward and I was your first, but it was our choice. you wanted it. and you wanted it even more after the first time. we would do it during weekends even on weekdays. it's addictive. you're addicted. both of us really. it's so full of passion. full of love. we memorized each others lips. when to bite, and when not to stop. we were in love. we are one.

     That fateful day i remembered, we did not argue, but you became different. i got fewer messages. no calls. no visits. nothing. i didn't know what to do. i got paranoid. i thought there is someone else. i would suspect on every girl that got close to you. and you didn't like it. you got tired. i asked what's it about. what the hell is wrong. what is your problem? what do you want me to do? you never answered me. not a single word. you looked confused. we were both confused.

I thought i knew it. i thought i know what to do. i did it. i had to be safe. i broke up with you.

ever since, i never heard anything from you. what was your reaction? are you happy? are you hurt? were you planning to break up with me if i didn't say it first? answer me! i have no idea. tell me. i need to know. but you were cruel. you left me hanging. waiting.

and i never lost hope, deep inside, i wanted us to get back together. that's coz i don't know how to live normally, coz the normal life that i know is with you. you were part of me, and i know i am yours too. i fought hard. but it was too hard to work on something that was meant for 2 people. i can't do it alone. you have to help me. We were both prisoners of each other. and i can't move on not unless you set me free. and i don't want to be set free.

days passed, weeks. months. nothing. you changed completely. and i did too. i started to destroy myself. did you know you were the only person who were able to make me stop smoking? yes it was you, although i never told you. after that i never stopped smoking. it was the only thing i had. even my friends, they did not understand what i was going through back then. they never listened, and they never believed me. I need to handle it on my own for no one is willing to help me. not even you. of course, you never knew all these. you never cared to know. it was none of your business.

i am used to staying up late speaking with you. after that, i had a hard time sleeping. did you know that i took Valium? yes i did. numerous times. i wanted to sleep through all of it. i never wanted to wake up, but i always do, just so i can feel the pain all over again. there's even one time, i got so depressed that i burned almost half of my clothes. you didn't know that did you? well, you didn't have to know. what for? i got sick of going to school, but i had to force myself. i did manage to attend classes but that was it. i attended but i never really studied. i ate a lot after we broke up, and i gained so much but i didn't care. i became insecure. that's when i started poking my throat every time i ate. it only stopped when i spitted blood. it was careless of me not to notice the tip that i was using is pointed. I also dated a lot of people. had sex numerous times, only to forget you. it didn't help either, it just made everything worse. i would always invite friends to drink, every night if possible hoping i get drowned. i would always argue with everyone for no reason. i would mock everyone. i would mock them so they would hurt me. they would hurt me with words. painful words. and i liked it. that's what I've been longing for. the words i never heard from you. you never realized my sacrifices when were together. i bet you didn,t know the time i almost failed an exam because i was busy studying your lessons the night before. you didn't know, how many meetings i never attended just to spend time with you and how many any other things failed because of that. you didn't know how many times i quarreled with friends for disliking you. You didn't know how much pain i endured on times you become rough when we do it. even if i don't want to, you would never let me rest, and i don't want to disappoint you either. you didn't know how close i am to not being able to graduate because of you. you didn't know i almost died because of the things i did to myself. you don't have any idea. you know nothing.

so now you don't exist. i never knew you. i never met you. i killed you. you're dead.

and so am I. i died when you changed. i died when you left me with no words. i died when you betrayed me. i died from the moment you made me fall for you. you killed me.

i may be moving, breathing, but it doesn't mean I'm alive. I'm not asking for any explanation. not now. never. it's too late. i just want to say the things you never knew and will never know. Maybe you are happy now. I hope.

i want you to know I am dying soon. but not until i finished the things i have to do. once they're done. I vowed to receive the inevitable death. and no matter how long that will take. always remember, it was you who killed me.


( your name here )

No comments:

Post a Comment

Share your thoughts